*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
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BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.