To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
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I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Current mood: Potato
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.