After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
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Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Me, reading some of your tweets
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.