Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
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I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.