For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
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As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Nice try, NASA
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.