[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
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WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
crazy
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.