please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
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Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
No. YOU-buprofen.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…