An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
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Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*