im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
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just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
getting groceries
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
That de-escalated quickly
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”