decorating my apartment
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you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!