they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
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I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
This could be us, but you weedin’.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
as is their right
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”