I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
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Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
best review i’ve ever seen
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
This one’s “Alex”.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”