Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
You Might Also Like
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I put the h in mysterious.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
🙄😏😂🤣
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.