Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
You Might Also Like
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.