Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
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I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
when you don’t want to be too vague
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.