“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
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[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”