My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
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Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.