Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
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My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Friday night party time 🥳
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
just having fun
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Word!
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.