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Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Match dot com, but for socks.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
(Musicians.)
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds