GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
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I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
The booster protects against what, now?
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.