DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
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My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.