Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
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Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
who wants to go expliring
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.