A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
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I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…