[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
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Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
They’re not wrong
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.