I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
You Might Also Like
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…