If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
You Might Also Like
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.