[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
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me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho