Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
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If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.