When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
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I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?