#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
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App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
*pronounces patio like ratio
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter