Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
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I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
opening a flower shop called women in stem
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
I am HOWLING at this
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.