me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
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When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
How to properly lift a body
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.