We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
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My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.