I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
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After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
reduce, reuse, recycle
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?