A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
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People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
peak technology
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.