If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
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It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
never compromise your values
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there