Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
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me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.