I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
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This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue