“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
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Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.