6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
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[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.