COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
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I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.