*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
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Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
mentally somewhere in italy
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold