A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
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imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Happy Caturday!
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice