*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
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Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
is this store having a stroke wtf
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe