Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
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My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Good point.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.