Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
You Might Also Like
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.