Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
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[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..