To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
You Might Also Like
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.