“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
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This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit