*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
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If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?